I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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