I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
