don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize