I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize