Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
