these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
