i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
