i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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