well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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