i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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