I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
