My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
