I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
