Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A+ Viking dick
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
