You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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