Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
