hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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