You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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