I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
