I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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