I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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