This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
