when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
