my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
