i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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