I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
