i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
