If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
