I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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