you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
