Do you still have your period?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
