Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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