Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
