fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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