Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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