just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
