For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
