so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
