If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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