The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
