i always forget guys have bellybuttons
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
