I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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