You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
