I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
