i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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