My nipple is on Facebook.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
