Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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