When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
