you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
