I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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