did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize