I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you have to choose: penises or morals?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
