I wish I could teleport
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
