just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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