Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When did angry sex become our thing?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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