Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
