I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
