I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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